Antoine of North Charleston

I had to go up to school today to iron out some financial aid issues.  I helped my buddy open up the liquor store from about 8:45-10:00, then I headed to school.  I grabbed a number at the financial aid office and it took about 1 hour for me to take care of everything.

So it's about 11:45 and I'm walking out of the 410 building, heading toward the parking lot, and I am stopped by this guy who needs some help.  This happens to me all the time.  I guess I just LOOK like I know where stuff is because just about every day lately people have asked me where building 630 is, or some random building.  I usually know where it is though and am always happy to help someone so it's fine.

So this guy approaches me, and it becomes painfully clear very quickly that he needs much more than mere directions.  He just starts blurting out all these issues that he's going through with college and it's apparent that he is panicking about it and didn't know what to do at all!

I was like 'Okay, okay...' and started asking him questions, trying to figure out the best course of action.  I knew that my English professor was in her office because I spent about 25 minutes talking to her earlier before I handled the financial aid stuff.  So I suggested that we walk over to the library, where she has her office, and we would seek advice from her.

His name was Antoine, and he was from the streets.  He stood about 6 foot two, with a thin build and angular facial features and slightly narrow, slanted eyes.  Antoine didn't look like someone you would want to mess with.  He dressed in all black with a nice, expensive looking watch on one wrist, and a gold and diamond bracelet of pure bling on the other. Gold chain around the neck and diamond studded earring in the ear.

We walked toward the library and Antoine seemed both very nervous and genuinely surprised that I was taking the time to help him. I thought to myself that he was lucky that he ran into me because I had nothing better to do and knew some people that could help him.

So we met up with my professor.  She was outside the library, smoking and reading a book.  Antoine opened up and told us about all of his issues.  He was in a bad way because he had enrolled in some classes for summer term, but due to circumstances beyond his control, was unable to attend those classes, and also did not withdraw from those classes, and wasn't sure if he was going to receive 4 F's for the semester.  He also some had VA benefit issues and wanted to enroll in classes for the fall.

My English professor suggested that we go to see a history professor I know.  He is also an advisor and had access to all the advisor stuff which my English professor did not, as she told us.  So Antoine and I walked to the 100 building which is about 125 yards away from where we were. We smoked as we walked and Antoine said that the professor was very nice, and that he would like to take one of her classes.  I said that I knew he would enjoy that class.

We got to the History professor's office and he was able to determine that Antoine was, in fact, dropped from all of his classes due to the rule that if you do not attend any classes for the first 3 weeks, you are automatically dropped from a class.  Step 1 complete.  The history professor then looked up Antoine's real advisor at the college in the culinary arts department and sent us over there.

So I took him to where his advisor's office is, and Antoine met with him for about an hour or so.  Antoine was enrolled in the same four classes that he had in the summer, and he was ready to go.

I drove him home. He lived close, just over the tracks and down the street, maybe 1 km from school grounds.  He rented an apartment in a large complex.  When we got there, he invited me inside.  Antoine lived alone in a two-story apartment, approximately 850 sq. ft.

We sat at his kitchen table and talked about college as we smoked cigarettes and listened to hip-hop which played on his computer.  It was during this time that Antoine began to open up to me about his past, what he does for a living, and how he feels about many issues of race, and public perception as it pertains to him. I began to realize that Antoine had some serious issues and this saddened me.

Antoine volunteered that he was truly in a state of panic and didn't know what he was going to do before I helped him. "I was so desperate that I was just going to grab the first white person I saw!" he said jokingly. "You know it's really (something extraordinary) when I have to talk to white people."  He laughed.  I thought 'hmm...so you are saying you'd rather not unless you are forced to.'

This didn't shock me. I've noticed that the remnants of segregation are still very much present down here. Folk keep to themselves, for the most part. Oh, sure, if two people pass in the hallway, they exchange pleasantries, and if an individual is in a position to do so, they will always open or hold open a door for another, regardless of race. This is much more of a cold, subversive form of segregation. A form which all can adhere to with minimal effort, and a form in which nobody loses any face. A more sophisticated, 'victimless' version of what Dr. King called 'man's tragic separation.'

In our conversation, Antoine revealed to me that he is at times a man in conflict with himself; in conflict with his own self-image. He would say things like 'People might look at me and think...' to describe how he felt - that he was perceived as not intelligent, a criminal and/or someone that should be avoided. Clearly, this bothered him. "Look, Mike, I dress hard. I'm from these streets man. How you think people at school are gonna look at me and treat me?"

"...but I'm not really all those things. There's more to me than those things." he was anxious to point out. I wanted to delve into this specifically. "When you dress, do you want to be seen as 'hard'? I asked. "Well...yea" he replied. "And would you feel uncomfortable if you felt that you were seen as 'not hard'?" I quickly followed up with.

"Yes. I wouldn't like that." he replied. This seemed to be the essence of the duality. He had a desire to be perceived a certain way. Obviously, nobody wants to be perceived as a criminal, an outcast of society. However, it was imperative to Antoine that he not ever be perceived by anyone to be weak in any way. This was the overriding factor. To be seen as hard (and not weak) is paramount, even if that meant that some people might be intimidated. However, he felt a genuine resentment toward people who were, in fact, intimidated or otherwise put off by his appearance.

"I didn't treat you this way." I offered in consolation. "That's how I knew you was cool." he said. I took this as a huge compliment.  When he said this, I felt that maybe I had really helped the kid out.

We talked about many other interesting things and Antoine did and said much more to demonstrate that while he was certainly hard on the surface, he was also a tremendously kind person.